Go In Peace

It's been a while since I last sat down to write. It's been a while since I've done much of anything for that matter. The house and the yard are both out of control once again. I've been doing a lot of napping...though not really sleeping. And I've been doing a lot of crying. Things are getting much harder for me here. Mom is so withdrawn, which I expected would happen. And she's not eating much anymore, which I also expected would happen. Getting pills down her is a huge struggle for both of us.
I've been calling the hospice line on a regular basis...even though we have hospice people here five days a week. Maybe I'm just letting go in my own way. Handing things over to them. It would be easier for me if I knew exactly what to expect...but I know that people don't all die the same way...even when they have the same disease. As best I can tell...we're in for more of the same. Mom will sleep more, eat less and withdraw even more...though at this point I can't see how that could happen.
I'm in a strange place right now...because I can see where I am and what I'm doing...and it's not where I want to be. I know what I'm doing is not going to help either mom's situation or mine at all...so how do I stop and move on to where I need to be? And the weirdest thing is...I was here before! How did I end up back in the same place?
When mom first started to lose strength in her legs, I took her in for physical therapy. They said the more I had her walk on her own...the longer she would be able to walk and stand. Realizing that it would be harder on both of us if she were confined to a wheel chair...I had her walking a lot. I helped her stand and had her stand as long as she could. And when she said, "I can't." I pushed her to try. It was terribly frustrating to us both. That was several years ago.
Now, here we are...me trying my hardest to get mom to swallow her blood pressure, water and potassium pills. Saying "Open your mouth." and showing her how to do it, prying her pursed lips apart and trying to poke the pills in, pulling on her chin trying to get her to unclench her teeth. I've tried breaking the pills in half, putting them in yogurt or applesauce, stroking her neck trying to encourage her to swallow (like you do when you pill dogs and cats)...pleading with her..."You can do it." If I do get them in there, she stores them in her cheek until they dissolve. Or she spits them out if I turn my head. It's the same type of battle as we went through before. I want her to do it...and she can't.
Last week I realized that I am going to have to be the one to change. Mom's not going to. I am going to have to accept that mom is where she is...and that she's not able to do the things I so desperately want her to do. When I called hospice to give them my update, I told the nurse that. She corrected me..."Your mom is changing. And she will change even more...just not in a way that will suit you." She added, "The hardest time on family members is when the patient refuses to eat. We nourish the people we love...in many ways. And when the patient stops eating, the family suffers more than the patient does." Putting that together with what the chaplain told me a week ago..."The last two months of a dementia-affected patient's life are the hardest on the caregiver. The patient withdraws so much it's hard for the caregiver...because they have put so much energy into that person...and now there's no response." I can tell that this is likely to be one very rough road ahead of us.
I am so thankful that I'm not traveling this road alone. I can't express adequately my gratitude towards family and friends for their support. I am thankful that I know when God decides the time is right to bring mom home...He will. When I hear her moaning and mumbling I climb in bed with her and lay across the head of the bed...rubbing her back and shoulders or stroking her head with one hand and holding her hand with the other. Each time I do that I pray, "Lord, You know that it is going to be hard on me whenever she goes...I don't know when the right time is...only You do. I simply ask that You let her leave this earth in peace. Amen."