Stress and the Caregiver

There are thousands of books, videos, pamphlets and blogs about stress and the caregiver. Five years ago, I kind of had the attitude of..."That may be true for SOME people...but not for me. I'm an easy going sort of person." Now I see why there are so many publications on this topic out there. Even us easy going sorts of care-giving people will most likely will feel their stress levels elevate over time. Actually...it didn't take long at all for me to feel it. By the end of the first month that I became mom's full time caregiver...I was experiencing major headaches. I checked my blood pressure and it had gone through the roof. (Which I thought was odd, because I'd always had lower blood pressure!) I went to the doctor right away. Of course the first thing they do there is have you step on the scale. I was actually looking forward to it. My doctor had been lecturing me for years about my "fatty tissue"...it was a standing joke between me and my old co-workers. I was sure that I had lost weight. I hadn't been at the Oyster Bar for a month. That meant that I no longer was having clam chowder and a sour dough roll for breakfast every day...and I wasn't taste-testing the pie filling anymore either! I was SURE the scale would know that. Much to my surprise...in one month away away from the restaurant...I had put ON ten pounds! Ten. In one month. Without my beloved clam chowder and wonderful sour dough rolls hot out of the oven...with butter! How could this be? Well...apparently those 12,000 steps I had been taking every day were working for me. I got my prescription for blood pressure meds and left with a heavy heart. An extra heavy heart.
People used to ask me how I coped with the stress levels. My coping plan was to nap as often as possible...and I did. Whenever I tucked mom in bed...I grabbed a nap too. It seemed to work for me.
Yesterday was a particularly stressful day. Mom now gets chronic bladder infections. She might be off antibiotics for a week or two...and then she gets another one. The nurse came yesterday and catheterized mom...to get a clean sample of urine for the doctor to check out. I helped with the procedure...as I have now done five times. It was the first time mom did not yell, "I'm gonna kill you!" I think the morphine I gave her ahead of time helped. Even though it went well...it was rough on both of us. Last night, mom was up at 2:00am...calling out "Mom! Mom! Answer me!" I went to her room and tried rubbing her back and talking calmly to her. Then I gave her a kiss, tucked her back in bed and went back to bed myself. Ten minutes later...she was yelling again. I went back up, gave her half a sleeping pill (I can give her up to two...but a half usually works.)...tucked her back in and went back to bed. 2:30...she was yelling again. (It's really not yelling, but there's a baby monitor our room...and it sure sounds like yelling.) That time I unplugged the monitor and took it upstairs with me. I didn't want to keep waking Jeff up too. I tried being more stern with her, insisting that she close her eyes and go to sleep...and then went to sleep in the recliner. Within a half hour I was back in her room. This went on all night long. When I went in there at 4:00, I was armed with a cup of warmed milk. I flicked on the light (which upset her) sat her up on the edge of the bed and said, "Here. Drink this. It might help you go to sleep. You're making me crazy." She looked at me like I was crazy. And she enjoyed the cup of milk. Once again I tucked her in bed...gave her a kiss...turned out the light and tried to sleep on the couch. The milk did not help. At all. She was still calling out when Jeff got up for work at 5:30. He offered to go in and talk to her...thinking that maybe it would surprise her enough to shut her up. I listened in on the monitor. She called out "Mom! Mom! What are you...deaf? Answer me!" Jeff entered her room and asked her "What do you want?" For a moment, she was silent. In a meek little voice she said, "Mom?" "She's in the living room. What do you want?" No reply. I was pretty hopeful at that point. Jeff stepped out of the room and she started up again. I finally just went in there and got her up and out of bed. I gave her a bowl of oatmeal...which she doesn't usually have until well after noon. She was up until 7:30.
When our bath aide called around 10:00 and asked if she could come earlier today...I said "Sure. Mom's sleeping now...but you know...she had no compassion on me and my wanting to sleep last night...so...I really can't muster up much compassion for her and her wanting to sleep right now." An hour later, mom was getting her bath. She only swore once...which surprised me. I thought she'd be swearing up a blue streak...I guess she was too pooped. After the bath, the aide asked me if anyone had talked to me about a 5 day respite break. (It's where hospice would put mom in a nursing home for 5 days so I could really get away.) I guess I really look as tired as I feel. I can't see going for that offer...as sweet as a five day getaway sounds. In reality...I couldn't see myself relaxing somewhere not knowing what was going on. Things can change so quickly. I think we'll just stick with our 4 hour break every Saturday.
She's sleeping now...and I grabbed an hour-long nap earlier. Hopefully, we'll both be happy campers tonight. And hopefully we'll be sleeping through the night tonight too!
My closing thought is...how much I appreciate everyone's prayers for mom and for me. Each week at Bethlehem we pray for the homebound members. One Sunday, I remember noticing that it said that "We pray for our members who are homebound...and their caregivers." Maybe it always said that...and that one particular week I saw it. That means so much to me. I could not do this job without support. I could not do it without Jeff's support, my daughters' support, the support of my brother and sister, the prayer support that surrounds us every day. And I certainly couldn't do it without the strength that God provides me. "I can do all things in him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 Thanks be to God!